7 years to come back to this spot.
7 years to write something only for myself.
7 years to somewhere acknowledge that everything is just an illusion.
Actually, that is 7 plus years to understand that.

We are so caught up in the ways of how we are taught to live.
What we watch and experience in our growing years.
We think it is the way to live.
To feel whole and accepted.
To feel worthy of the live we are living.

And we live unhappily for so many years.
Thinking that this is what life is all about.
Giving up on your dreams and exisiting.
Adjusting, accomodating and exisiting.

How much is enough?
When do you actually start appreciating the life that you have and LIVE for that LIFE you've been blessed with?

I want to say NOW.
But somehow, that now never comes.
Unless you stop putting it off for tomorrow.

What is the point?
When you think the one person who you can always talk to is the one you want to avoid talking to.
Because you know how it is going to end up.
Its not a conversation.
Its an agenda.
Or alteast looked at as one.

You tell yourself let these things be. Avoid it. Time it better.
Always look for the right time to bring it up.
Sometimes you fail.
TOE THE LINE! is what is being shouted without the usage of the words.

What gets trapped in your throat is I am not that hard on you. Why are you so hard on me?

Restless.

One word to define me right now.

Not your average fidgety types or pacing up and down - kind of restless.

Like something is stuck in my chest - kind of restless.

Breathing deeply makes it a little lighter. But that is only little. 

How else would you feel if you have already had conversations with the other in your head - but in reality, you are still waiting for the other person to open their mouth?

How else would you feel if you have finished creating your art/ your blog - but in reality, the page has to still finish loading?

How else would you feel when you are all set to make your dreams come true - but are stuck by inaction because you HAVE to wait it out - they HAVE to come to you?

Cycle of emotions for me.

Restless. Inert. Lethargy. Suffocating. Angry. Sad.

Break the cycle.

Now. 

Work is a 20 minute commute for me. 

30 minutes - if I make pit stops. 

10 minutes - if I ride at a speed which indicates my tail is on fire.

Today as I zoomed by, passing all familiar sights, I also passed a bunch of little girls skipping and running along the road. One little girl caught my eye. Wearing a school uniform, though I am sure it did not belong to her. I don't think she goes to school. Wild unkempt hair caught in a loose pony, a face that wasn't scrubbed, bare feet, white teeth.

And not a worry in the world. Except to keep up with the rest.

And the sound of jingling laughter as she heads with her friends to play under the shade of the trees. 

I have never felt nostalgic about my childhood or thought about the days gone by without a worry. Never wanted those days to come back. Figured life is all about progression. Which it is.

What "they" say is true :)

It is not the age. It is the heart.  

Today my heart wants to be all of six again.

Brown and Blue,
And specks of white and red.
Flew through the window,
Gliding slow.
The butterfly landed
With a dying soul.

Sat still with fading beats,
Glad maybe it wasn't killed.
Lived its life in full,
Fluttered about in the summer sun.
Abundance it had experienced -
Transformation too, came out of a shell.

Composed and serene
He looked to me.
Complete -
In every be-ing.
To rest, it was laid
In my rose plant.
Beautiful alive,
Beautiful in death,

Encountered days when you are so so so totally frustrated?

It is a domino effect. Some residue that's now snowballing and slowly growing bigger and bigger.

The thing is as a delusional control freak, I cannot let it become bigger than what I can handle. 

This is not something I should allow to control me. Or to have a spill-over effect.

Seems like I am getting a grip over myself. After the venting.

Be centered.

Be focused.

As long as I don't think and just do...all is good.

And by the looks of it...this suits me just fine :D