What is the point?
When you think the one person who you can always talk to is the one you want to avoid talking to.
Because you know how it is going to end up.
Its not a conversation.
Its an agenda.
Or alteast looked at as one.

You tell yourself let these things be. Avoid it. Time it better.
Always look for the right time to bring it up.
Sometimes you fail.
TOE THE LINE! is what is being shouted without the usage of the words.

What gets trapped in your throat is I am not that hard on you. Why are you so hard on me?

Restless.

One word to define me right now.

Not your average fidgety types or pacing up and down - kind of restless.

Like something is stuck in my chest - kind of restless.

Breathing deeply makes it a little lighter. But that is only little. 

How else would you feel if you have already had conversations with the other in your head - but in reality, you are still waiting for the other person to open their mouth?

How else would you feel if you have finished creating your art/ your blog - but in reality, the page has to still finish loading?

How else would you feel when you are all set to make your dreams come true - but are stuck by inaction because you HAVE to wait it out - they HAVE to come to you?

Cycle of emotions for me.

Restless. Inert. Lethargy. Suffocating. Angry. Sad.

Break the cycle.

Now. 

Work is a 20 minute commute for me. 

30 minutes - if I make pit stops. 

10 minutes - if I ride at a speed which indicates my tail is on fire.

Today as I zoomed by, passing all familiar sights, I also passed a bunch of little girls skipping and running along the road. One little girl caught my eye. Wearing a school uniform, though I am sure it did not belong to her. I don't think she goes to school. Wild unkempt hair caught in a loose pony, a face that wasn't scrubbed, bare feet, white teeth.

And not a worry in the world. Except to keep up with the rest.

And the sound of jingling laughter as she heads with her friends to play under the shade of the trees. 

I have never felt nostalgic about my childhood or thought about the days gone by without a worry. Never wanted those days to come back. Figured life is all about progression. Which it is.

What "they" say is true :)

It is not the age. It is the heart.  

Today my heart wants to be all of six again.

Brown and Blue,
And specks of white and red.
Flew through the window,
Gliding slow.
The butterfly landed
With a dying soul.

Sat still with fading beats,
Glad maybe it wasn't killed.
Lived its life in full,
Fluttered about in the summer sun.
Abundance it had experienced -
Transformation too, came out of a shell.

Composed and serene
He looked to me.
Complete -
In every be-ing.
To rest, it was laid
In my rose plant.
Beautiful alive,
Beautiful in death,

Encountered days when you are so so so totally frustrated?

It is a domino effect. Some residue that's now snowballing and slowly growing bigger and bigger.

The thing is as a delusional control freak, I cannot let it become bigger than what I can handle. 

This is not something I should allow to control me. Or to have a spill-over effect.

Seems like I am getting a grip over myself. After the venting.

Be centered.

Be focused.

As long as I don't think and just do...all is good.

And by the looks of it...this suits me just fine :D

I do remember what happened.

Not pretending. That it didn't exist.

It did. It was as true for me as the skin on my back.
And as painful when its ripped off.

But today I choose to look beyond the actions.
I choose to look at what are the possibilities.
I choose to believe.
I choose to heal.
I choose to see.
I choose You.

The initial rush of sadness that leads to anger is unbelieveable.

Of course, we being part of social systems with expected set of behaviour and decorum can't react exactly the way we want to.

So we think about it.

What is making you feel this bad?

You know it, don't you?

Go some place where you can be by yourself.

Yes, the loo is a good option.

Say it out loud. The "feeling-bad"thing.

And now look at it.

You were feeling bad because of your fear.

The best part of this is - its an illusion.

And you can't be afraid of nothing.

NOW you are ready to walk on.

There is something magical about lying on the sand and watching the cloud-play and colour-play up in the skies.

Where you feel it is all spread out for you...for your pleasure...for your happiness..only for your eyes.

With the sun setting and the colours changing, there are gaps between the clouds where the sky is as blue as it can be. It made me wonder if I could pop my head up through that gap...will I see darkness as the sun was setting or will there be eternal light?

When I climb up through that gap and walk on the clouds, with pieces of fluff flitting about me, will it feel like a feathery touch? Will it dissolve onto me and become part of me? How will it be...

And one thought led to another. Like physics. Light travel.

If it takes millions of years for light from a star to reach us, then by the time it reaches us - it is old light.

New for us. But old for the star.

And we never actually then have fresh light shining down upon us. If we lodge a complaint with the Light Authority, by the time it is registered and action is taken, they would be seeking to rectify a complaint lodged in the past.

And everyone knows you can't undo the past.

You accept and move on towards a better future.

Like getting your feet wet when you go to the beach.

It is like coming back home.

Identities are what we strive for. To create. To leave behind. In one way or another.

By what we wear, how we talk, what we talk about, with who we interact, and a hundred other things.

It is what we see ourselves as. It is what we wish others would see us for.

In a way, it can be our mask.

It becomes our protective sheild. It is what defines us. It is what we wish to be defined as. 

Because if we have no defination, then how do we answer the ever-evading question of "Who am I?"

Why have definations? Can't we be everything and everyone encompassed in one? Can't we be good as well as bad?

Rizwaan Khan's mom says nope.

There are 2 kinds of people - good people and bad people.

But she didn't talk about how even good people are driven to do bad things.

Like how Shantaram says "Sometimes you do the wrong things for the right reasons"..

NOW "Who am I?"

I take my share of peace in this..

I believe everyone is intrinsicly good. And everyone is capable of being bad.

And everyone chooses to be both or either. Never neither.

It is not something that is done out of helplessness. It is not something that is done to hide behind excuses.

It is done because YOU wanted to.

It is done because that is who YOU want to be.

So who do YOU want to be?

I love Hippo...pyaar baatteh chalo, pyaar baatteh chalo..

Yes...The cause of all evil is hunger.

Hunger for food. Hunger for love. Hunger for power. Hunger for land. Hunger for more...

Hunger for an identity.

I don't read the newspapers. Unless it involves cartoons or colourful pictures, I make it a point not to pick it up. Unless the plate is too hot to hold.

But there are times when I pick it up with the intention of reading a particular article which comes recommended. By near and dear ones who know what kind of reading I like.

Like this article that my sister insisted that I read. It was the thought, she knew, that I would like. Not the article in itself.

To summarise "Why Daddy Doesn't Live With Us Anymore?", it was on how there are various self-help books for adults and parents that would assist them to answer the million and one life questions that the wee ones have.

Come to think of it, it is kinda easy to understand about death, divorce, adoption, disabilities when they are weaved into stories. Stories about pigs and bears and kings and queens. Of course, the kiddies may not totally get the concept. But atleast they are aware of what are the happenings in today's world.

Why don't my mommy and daddy not live together? Or why my friend limps while walking?

It doesn't make the realities any easy to accept or to live with. But don't all the children want is someone they can go back to with all their questions and confusions? And don't all the children want that someone to explain their why's, how's, when's, where's patiently to them? And maybe just hold their hand for a little while till their fears subside? And then let them run along while they discover the world through their eyes, keeping all the answers to fall back to on later?

Don't you want that?

I know I do.


POSTED on CREATING Rainbows (Kid me not)

Rock bottom?

Tide shall turn.
Watch the moon.

And walk.

Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end.

That is the natural progression of everything you can think of or imagine or may be not imagine.

I want to start off from the middle.

The middle-of-nowhere.

If the middle-of-nowhere is right here, then I am nowhere.

And if every day is a new day, then the middle is actually a beginning. Of everything and nothing.

And for all practical reasons there is no end.

Now that doesn't sound promising.

Or is it?

I'll find out along the way..

Defining Love

"I don't love you enough."

I have been at both ends of that statement.

And at either end - it sounds just as feeble.

Come on man! How DO you define "enough love?"

Is 2 dozen roses enough love? Is a vast field enough love? Are the stars in the sky enough love?

Or maybe 1000 days is enough love?

How do you keep track?

How do you quantify?

Do you weigh it by the pound and dish it out the same way?

Do you measure it up and compare it against a pre-defined set yardstick?

Do you hold it length - wise and breadth - wise and cut the extra out?

Do you count the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years spent together to record it?

How DO you define "enough love?"!

Can you imagine if a mother tells her child "Baby I did not get you your toy because I don't love you enough"

You can however, very easily imagine it in the so-called "adult" relationships.

"Ah! I don't love you enough...so I am leaving you"

My brain computes to say that it usually is significant of the speaker rather than the listener.

But it always is the Listener that ends up wondering.."what do I do to make them love me enough? Do I change my wardrobe? Pick up a challenging hobby? Jump off a cliff? Get a life?

What do I do to make them love me enough?"

"We don't understand each other any more....", "We have grown apart and away...","We fight a lot...."

Atleast these things make sense...

Either you love someone. Or you don't.
There is no "grey area".

"I don't love you enough."

Is just bull-crap.